Having the courage to be imperfect

© Michael Cohen -An excerpt from His forthcoming book

“Accepting yourself”

A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.

Albert Einstein

Does it make you mad if your partner fails to make the bed in the morning? Do you find you’re unable to tolerate washing-up left in the sink? These seemingly small matters can eat away at perfectionists and it’s possible to literally think yourself into misery. A perfectionist myself, I was given a badge many years ago which read, “Have the courage to be imperfect” — with the word imperfect spelt incorrectly. This got me thinking about how difficult it is to make the changes necessary to become a healthy non-perfectionist. To me, perfectionism equals no mistakes, yet I don’t know anyone who never makes a mistake. I now realize just how unrealistic and counterproductive perfectionism is. Let’s face it, nobody is perfect, and to expect perfection from yourself or others creates unrealistic standards that are likely to create a downward spiral of negative thinking.

This type of thinking leads to self-criticism, and you can end up verbally attacking yourself as well as others. Perfectionists often think in illogical and distorted ways. In his book” Feeling Good- The New Mood Therapy” cognitive therapist, Dr David Burns describes ten different types of distorted thinking that he refers to as ‘cognitive distortions” . Here I give examples of how six of these distortions can manifest in the perfectionist.

Cognitive Distortions

All or nothing Thinking

Mental Filter

Discounting the Positive

Mind Reading

Fortune Telling

Emotional reasoning

All or Nothing Thinking

–

A perfectionist tends to see situations in absolute black and white categories; thinking, for example, “I must be the best or I am nothing”.

Loren’s story

Loran is a retired secretary who is about to start an Open University degree course in philosophy. She thinks, “If I don’t understand every concept, then this course will be a total waste of time.” It just doesn’t enter her head that if she doesn’t understand something she can always ask for help, and that if some of the philosophical concepts don’t make sense, she can still get enjoyment from the course.

Mental filter

Perfectionists often focus exclusively on negative details, causing their perception of reality to become unrealistic. If they make just one mistake or if someone disapproves of them just once, then it’s all gone wrong and anything positive flies out of the window.

After starting her Open University course, Loran tells friends that she is learning philosophy. Many congratulate her on going back to education in her later years. However, one person says something mildly critical. What do you think she dwells on - the positive comments or the critical one? Yes, you’re right; she dismisses the positive remarks and frets about the negative reaction.

Discounting the positive

In a similar way, when a perfectionist accomplishes something, it’s as though it somehow doesn’t count. Loran’s first essay comes back with a good mark, but she tells herself that the essay wasn’t that good and was only given that mark by the tutor to encourage her to stick with the course. When another student comments on the high standard of the essay, Loran responds by saying anyone could have produced a first essay to that standard.

Mind reading

Perfectionists tend to believe that people are thinking and reacting negatively to them when there is no real evidence to back this up. Loran is convinced that her family and friends will think she’s crazy to take up studying again after all these years. And she thinks that her sister in particular, will wonder what she knows about philosophy. Yet, the fact of the matter is that her sister turns out to be extremely supportive of Loran’s decision.

Fortune telling

It’s common for perfectionists to predict that things will go badly with potentially dire consequences. Loran believes that however much effort she puts into studying, she will never gain her degree. “No matter how hard I try, I just know I’m going to fail,” she thinks to herself. Yet, realistically, Loran has just as much chance of getting her degree as the other students do.

Emotional reasoning

Perfectionists’ reasoning is based on the way they are feeling rather than taking the reality of the situation into account. Loran believes that because she feels she can’t sit the exam, she will never be able to go through with it. The reality is that she is perfectly capable of passing, but she suffers from exam nerves.

Six Mistaken Ideas of Perfectionism

- 1,-I must be perfect.

If you believe you must always be perfect then you’ll have a hard time coping with mistakes. Being human means that you will sometimes make mistakes. Perfectionists demand that they never make mistakes and spiral into misery when they do. This then leads to anxiety, worry, fears and eventually a “why bother” attitude.

Deborah’s story

Deborah wants to teach literary skills to adults. Having recently retired, she wants to study for something that she considers worthwhile. An application form from a local college that accepts mature students is sitting on her desk, but she feels anxious so holds back from filling it in.

Deborah is thinking:

• What if I make a mistake on the application form and don’t get accepted onto the course?
• What if I don’t like the course?
• What if it’s all a big mistake?

The real mistake Deborah is making is to demand a perfect outcome. She is asking for a guarantee that she won’t make any mistakes, and believes that if she does make an error, it will mean instant failure and rejection. She is also thinking that she might not like the course anyway so why bother.

2, I Must be Seen to be Perfect

–

Perfectionists often hold the mistaken idea that other people expect perfection of them when in reality other people expect nothing of the sort. This type of perfectionism is often experienced in social situations. When meeting new people, the perfectionist may be feeling anxious due to the mistaken belief that, “If you really knew what I was like then you wouldn’t want to know me,” or “If I shake or blush then you will think I am strange.”

James’s story

James believes that he has to be the perfect conversationalist and should have the perfect response to any conversation he engages in. James thinks that if he shows a less than perfect understanding of the subject being discussed, people will look down on him. As a consequence, he rarely speaks up, only doing so when he’s feeling really confident about the topic being discussed. What’s more, when he does engage in conversation, he’s terrified of how others will perceive him.

James thinks to himself:

• What if I say something stupid?
• What if people think I don’t know what I’m talking about?
• What if they look down on me?

James is demanding that he must be the perfect conversationalist, and that if he fails to impress others with his vast knowledge of just about any subject, he will be rejected. Is it any wonder that he feels anxious and tends to avoid social interaction?

3, I Must Control my Emotions at All Times

Perfectionists sometimes hold the mistaken belief that they must be happy and calm all the time; believing, for example, “I should never be angry/anxious/ worried/depressed”, or “I should never argue with anyone”.

Ian’s story

Ian has been dating his girlfriend Andrea for three months. During this time, Andrea has called the shots on where to go, who to see and what to do. If Ian tries to suggest they do something different, Andrea tends to dismiss his ideas out of hand. Ian complies with Andrea’s wishes, wearing a happy smile and never expressing how he truly feels, but over time, Ian has become increasingly resentful that Andrea never gives his ideas and suggestions the time of day. Ian believes he must play the part of happy, smiling, compliant boyfriend, but he is becoming increasingly concerned about the future of their relationship.

Ian thinks:

• What if she thinks my ideas are no good?
• What if we end up having a huge argument?
• What if she thinks badly of me?
• She might want to dump me

Ian believes he has to hold on tightly to negative emotions and he is terrified of expressing how he really feels for fear of confrontation. He has reached a point where he can’t stand it any longer, but rather than tackle the issue, he ends the relationship.

4, My Partner Must Be Perfect

Perfectionists sometimes have unrealistic expectations about relationships, and they can have problems sustaining a relationship because they expect perfection from their partner. At first, it may seem like their mate is everything they’ve been looking for, but as the relationship becomes more involved, they discover that their partner doesn’t live up to their expectations. The romantic perfectionist finds it difficult to move from the early honeymoon period to a real human intimate relationship, becoming frustrated and depressed.

Beverlys story

Beverly is a serial dater. As an attractive woman, Beverly is asked out by eligible attractive men on a regular basis. However, even though she has got on well with most of them, Beverly just can’t commit. After just one or two dates, which is hardly enough time to give her or the guy a chance, she finds something “not quite right”. Beverly is unable to choose a mate because she always thinks someone more perfect is just around the corner. As a result, Beverly has never experienced a satisfying long-term relationship.

Beverly thinks to herself:

• This guy is too fat/thin/short/tall
• What if he’s not perfect in bed?
• What if he snores?
• What if I find out he’s not perfect?
• I couldn’t stand having to end it

The idea of embarking on a relationship that might not work out terrifies Beverly. In the few relationships that she has had, Beverly has not given much thought to the idea of compromise, and this has stopped her love affairs from progressing. Demanding that a partner is perfect is asking for trouble, and it is no guarantee of a successful intimate relationship.

5, Other People Must Be Perfect

Perfectionists can believe that other people must always meet their expectations, and that they must be perfect. They may also believe that the world must behave in the way they demand, which is a recipe for disaster.

Peters story

Peter demands perfection from his son, Ian. He wants him to be the very best in his class. From maths to English, cricket to gymnastics, Ian has to excel. Peter is totally preoccupied with his son’s performance and this inevitably puts Ian under intolerable pressure. Then, out of the blue, Ian’s head-teacher asks Peter to come into the school to discuss his son’s emotional state of mind. It turns out that Peter demands perfectionism from Ian because he believes it is in his best interest. After all, Peter had been through a difficult time as a child due to his parents’ divorce and he had experienced problems at school, which meant that he left school at the age of sixteen without any qualifications.

Peter is thinking:

• He must be the best or else I have failed him
• What sort of a parent am I if I don’t push him?
• What happens if he ends up on the scrap heap as I did?

Peter has paid very little attention to Ian’s genuine achievements. Instead of focusing on the fact that Ian is achieving good grades, he continues to demand an impossibly high standard. This is unintentionally cruel and self-defeating and it is irrational because no one is perfect.

6, In Order to Be Loved and Accepted, I Must Have a Perfect Body

Holding this or a similar idea may be one of the most potentially damaging forms of perfectionism in our society today, as this leads to an array of problems including eating disorders, depression and even suicide.

Heathers story

Heather is disgusted with herself. Standing on the scales, she has put on one and a half pounds since yesterday. Heather is sick of the way her stomach sticks out. She’s also convinced that her thighs are fatter. Heather resolves not to eat that day and goes off to work determined to drink only water. She works through her lunch break, but later that day a colleague reminds her about tonight’s meal at a local restaurant in celebration of his birthday. Heather’s heart sinks and she resolves to only have a salad. When she gets home from the restaurant and sees her bloated stomach, she thinks, “that’s it; I will always be fat.” Reaching into the cupboard, Heather takes out a very large bar of chocolate and devours the lot. She then cries herself to sleep.

Heather is thinking:

• I must look perfect
• My fat stomach will put men off
• Thin is beautiful
• If I don’t eat today I will lose some of my weight

Heather has some very unrealistic and unhealthy ideas about how to lose weight. She is also very close to developing a serious eating disorder such as bulimia or anorexia. This all stems from her out-of-proportion fear of gaining weight and an unrealistic belief that her body should look a certain way.

Perfection Paralysis

Worrying about getting it wrong can sometimes be so powerful that a perfectionist can become paralyzed with fear. If this happens to you, you’ll probably find yourself procrastinating and putting off doing something that in reality, you’re more than capable of doing. If you feel overwhelmed by a task and fear failure, the following five-point exercise may help.

-1Ask yourself if you are thinking in distorted ways.

Have a look at the types of distorted thinking I described earlier in this chapter. Are you thinking in “all or nothing” ways? Are you discounting the positive? Are you predicting a potentially disastrous future? Do any of the six mistaken ideas of perfectionism apply to you?

2-Perfectionists can sometimes set goals that are far too high. Are your goals or tasks achievable, or are you aiming higher than is humanly possible?

3-Break the task down into manageable bite-size pieces, because breaking your goals down into smaller chunks can be really helpful. If you’re crossing a river via steppingstones and the stones are too far apart, you may fall in. Bringing those stones closer together means that you can cross it with ease. If you want to write a book but cannot think of the perfect start, remember that the first chapter is only part of the whole book. Who says you can’t start writing in the middle?

4-Don’t wait to feel like doing something. It’s easy to fall into the trap of putting off an important task because you don’t feel like doing it. For instance, who do you know who looks forward to vacuuming the house? The truth is that positive feelings follow action. Your sense of achievement comes from carrying out a task.

5-What’s the worst that could happen? The perfectionist fears making mistakes and he or she will often perceive dire consequences. Ask yourself what you think might be the worst that could happen? If this does come to pass, what would be the best way of dealing with it? Remember you are only human.

An Exercise in Imperfection

The following exercise will help you learn to accept the fact that as a human being, you are by nature imperfect. Start by doing small tasks imperfectly. For instance, run your vacuum cleaner over your carpet and deliberately leave a corner of the room untouched, or when doing the washing up, leave a plate unwashed. Some people will find this causes unease – maybe even anxiety – and that’s the idea. By confronting your fears, you will discover that nothing terrible happens. You will quickly see that people don’t think badly of you or start disowning you. Your anxiety will reduce as you learn that it’s all right to be imperfect. As a consequence, you will feel more confident and get more things done.

Major Points

When you expect perfection of yourself, you demand that you never make mistakes.

• Perfectionism leads to misery, anxiety and worry
• Perfectionists will often think in illogical and distorted ways. They will dismiss what they have achieved, focus elusively on the negative and perceive dire consequences where none exist
• If you fear making mistakes, ask yourself, “What is the worst that could happen?” Most of the things we worry about never happen. If a worry does come to pass, look for the best way of dealing with it
• Deliberately make a mistake and discover it’s OK to be imperfect

© Michael Cohen

EMOTIONS AND DISTRESS.

Let us face facts, feelings cause distress. Emotions such as anger, anxiety, and depression can paralyse, blocking us from achieving our goals. As previously explained we have far more control over our emotions than we might think .So let us now take a closer look at how to manage emotions that lead to distress.

Anger
Anger is one of the most destructive emotions we can experience. When someone or something does not live up to our expectations we feel anger because we may hold the following types of beliefs -
“You must treat me the way I want” “You are a terrible person ” “Life must be fair.”
The problem with this attitude is that however hard we might try we cannot control other people or the world. Anger can have a detrimental effect on physical and emotional health. It is often a signal that something needs to be dealt with and if left unchecked, anger can lead to violence. Therapists sometimes teach their clients to express their anger in a physical way by hitting cushions or screaming out. Sometimes however this can have the effect of strengthing the angry feelings, so it is far better to change your irrational beliefs and then try and resolve the matter in a practical way.

How to cope with anger

• Recognise that anger is a natural human emotion that is not bad or evil. It is what you do with your anger that matters.
• Learn to recognise the situations and circumstances that lead to your anger so that you can be better prepared for them.
• Remember that it is not events in themselves, but our view about events that cause feelings such as anger. Whenever you can, challenge your irrational beliefs.
• Practice relaxation techniques and use them whenever your anger is triggered. Deep breathing can be especially helpful for this.
• If you become angry with someone take a deep breath, silently count to ten, then if appropriate talk the matter through in an assertive, non-aggressive way.
• See if you can look at the situation from a different perspective. Ask yourself “is this really worth getting so angry about?” You may even be able to laugh at the situation.
• Channel your anger in a creative way: writing, drawing, art, music, and exercise-all these mediums can turn anger into a positive force.

Anger management through visualisation
Peter was angry, it was his third visit to the store and his computer had still not been repaired. To make matters worse the manager could not confirm exactly when the computer would be ready. Peter became aggressive, shouting at the top of his voice. After the manager threatened to call the police Peter left the store in disgust.

Now this aggressive behaviour was not an isolated incident and Peter wanted to learn how to control it. I introduced Peter to a visualisation method where he pictured himself remaining calm in trying circumstances. The following rehearsal method helped Peter to reduce his anger.

1. Sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes breath slowly/ calmly and relax.
2. Vividly imagine a situation in which you become angry. See and hear yourself as you build up your feelings of anger. Observe your posture, feel your tension. Notice how the other person responds to your behaviour.
3. Once you can really feel your anger silently repeat a coping phrase to yourself such as “I can remain calm” “It’s not worth getting angry”. “Why let him/her push my buttons” “ I can choose not to get angry” “Just because he/she has made an unpleasant remark does not mean I have to agree with it.
4. Repeat the process on a regular basis until you feel a reduction in your anger.

The idea is to reduce your angry feelings and behaviour but not to imagine the other person responding differently. We can learn to control our own attitudes but not other peoples. However 
when you learn to better manage your behaviour you may notice others changing too.

Anger in relationships
Disagreements though painful are a natural part of most couples’ relationships. However blazing arguments can get completely out of hand with accusations and threats meted out in abundance. Instead of clearing the air this behaviour can leave couples feeling hurt and angry and stop them talking to each other for days. Good communication is an effective way of reducing arguments and one of the most important elements of a satisfying and long lasting relationship.

The elements of effective communication
Bellow I describe some of the most common mistakes that lead to arguments and some examples to change your style of communication.

• Attacking. This is when your partner may say ” You just don’t understand” and you fail to acknowledge their feelings and go on to attack and criticise.
• Hint 1. Even if you think what they are saying is wrong the key is to acknowledge that this is how they are feeling. Empathising in this way will have the effect of lowering the temperature because your partner will feel you are making an attempt to understand their feelings. You can then go on to express how you feel.
• Generalising. “You are totally selfish” is an example of a generalisation It implies that a person is selfish one hundred percent of the time. But do occasional acts of selfishness make a person totally selfish?
• Hint 2. When communicating try and make your comments as specific as possible. E.G. “I think you acted in a selfish way when you refused to give Angela a lift home”
• Criticising. There are two forms of criticism. The first type is negative and consists of putdowns such as “You always do this” “You never do that” The second form of criticism is constructive. It requests that a person change their behaviour.
• Hint 3. Make your criticisms constructive by asking for a specific change. It is unhelpful to say, You never close the garage door”. Instead try saying “In the future can you please remember to close the garage door.
• Denying. You tell your partner that you do not feel hurt and angry when in reality you do. You deny your true feelings because you fear dire consequences if you speak up. You could be thinking. “If I speak up for myself he will be furious and leave me”
• Hint 4. Imaging disasters will often hold you back from self-expression and like the swing of a pendulum can lead to future aggressive outbursts. Effective communication includes assertiveness, which means letting your partner know in a non-threatening way, that you do not like something they are doing, have done or said.
• Bad timing. You have had a difficult day, you are hungry and your partner wants to talk. Not exactly a good time for constructive communication.
• Hint 5. Tell your partner that it is important to talk things over- but not at this precise moment. Ask for half an hours “time out” so you can relax and then you will be happy to talk.

You can practice being assertive in front of a mirror, in your imagination and by recording your new communication style on a cassette tape. Good communication is a skill that takes practice. You will get it wrong sometimes- but that is because you are human. With practice you will succeed.

DEPRESSION

Clinical depression is one of the most painful mood states that can be experienced. There is a vast difference between feeling down in the dumps and depressed. The symptoms can be both physical and emotional and seriously affect a person’s ability to function. Depression has often been described as anger turned inward. This is often the result of people blaming themselves for not living up to their own expectations or the expectations they believe others have of them.
People commonly think of depression as a sign of weakness and label themselves as useless. It can be especially painful to be told“ Pull yourself together” - because that is exactly what the depressed person wishes they could do. The fact is that clinical depression is a serious condition that requires medical and psychological evaluation.

The symptoms of depression include:

•   Feelings of hopelessness.
•   Lack of motivation.
•   Low self-esteem.
•   Feeling guilty.
•   Negative thinking
•   Suicidal thoughts and feelings
•   Sleep disturbance.
•   Appetite or weight changes
•   Loss of sex drive
•   Loss of interest in life
•   Fatigue

HOW TO COPE WITH DEPRESSION.

Identify what may have caused your depression. It is important to identify what may have triggered your depression. Have you recently suffered a loss? Moved home? Are you isolated from your family and friends? Do you think of your self as a failure? Once you have identified the possible reasons for your depression you will be in a better position to do something about it.
Exercise on a regular basis. Swimming, walking or riding a bicycle are all good forms of exercise and will release endorphins, the body’s natural anti-depressant hormone.

Put some structure into your day. Include activities that you would normally find pleasurable. You may think that in order to achieve something you have to feel like doing it. In fact the reverse is often true; it is the doing that will give you the feeling of accomplishment and will spur you on to achieve your goals.

Talk to someone you trust. When you are feeling depressed communication is important. Express how you feel by talking to friends and members of your family.

Challenge your negative thinking. You may have noticed that when you feel depressed your style of thinking is pessimistic. You may have thoughts such as “I shouldn’t be feeling like this” or “I am weak person for feeling depressed”. Identify your irrational thinking and challenge it. Stop defining yourself as incompetent and useless.

Seek professional help. Sometimes depression is the result of a chemical imbalance and may need to be treated by medication. Counselling and psychotherapy can be helpful for most types of depression. Whatever the cause of your depression it is important to seek professional help.

THE DISTORTIONS IN YOUR THINKING

The psychiatrists Aaron Beck, who developed cognitive therapy, and David Burns an innovator in the field have identified specific forms of distorted thinking. Called cognitive distortions they can lead to feelings of depression and other negative emotions. Some of the most common types of cognitive distortions are:

All or nothing thinking. This involves looking at things as either black or white, good or bad, leaving no room for middle ground. You might believe “Either I succeed at everything I attempt or else I am a total failure.” Jim had successfully stopped smoking for three months but then experienced a stressful event resulting in him smoking one cigarette. Jim thought, “That’s it, I’ve blown it completely!” This thought upset him so much that he went on to smoke an entire packet of cigarettes.

Predicting the future. Without evidence you predict that things will turn out badly. After being ill for three months Penny thought “I will never have the energy to work again” Happily Penny returned to work the following month. Whenever Penny starts to worry she now asks herself. “Am I jumping to conclusions?”

Mind reading. Again without evidence you believe you no what other people think about you. At a social gathering Sandra accidentally dropped a glass of wine, she thought to herself “People will think of me as totally incompetent.” Moments later someone she had never met told Sandra that only the previous week she had dropped a drink in a similar situatiation. That was the start of a new friendship.

Labelling. When you have done something wrong or made a mistake you label yourself a “failure” “stupid” “weak” etc. When Richard failed to complete his exam paper he thought, “I’m a failure” Labelling is irrational because you are not the same as what you do. You are therefore not a failure but a human being that will sometimes fail.

Mental filter. You filter out all the positive aspects of a situation and focus only on the negative details. Despite four newspapers giving excellent reviews to Michael’s performance in an amateur play, one paper was very critical. Michael ignored all the positive feedback and focused exclusively on the negative review. When people focus exclusively on the negative they greatly reduce their happiness.

Personalising. When something bad happens you may see it as totally your fault. Even though you may have little if anything to do with the situation you blame yourself and overlook how others might be involved. Patrick’s thirteen-year-old son was caught stealing sweets from a shop. Even though Patrick had always tried to teach his son right from wrong he thought, “This proves what a poor role model I am.”

HOW TO LIFT YOURSELF OUT OF DEPRESSION.

Dr David Burns has suggested a powerful way of transforming your mood.
This is how it is done:

1. Take a pen and paper and draw a line down the middle of the page.
2. In the left-hand column write down all of your negative thoughts about an upsetting situation.
3. Look at each thought and begin to challenge them by asking yourself the following questions.
   • What errors am I making in my thinking?
   • Am I looking at things as either black or white leaving no room for middle ground?
   • Am I predicting the future, thinking that things will turn out badly without the evidence to support my conclusions?
   • Am I mind reading, believing that people are thinking badly of me without evidence to back it up?
     Am I labelling myself?
   • Am I focusing exclusively on the negative and ignoring the positive?
   • Am I personalising - seeing the situation as totally my fault?
4. In the right hand column substitute more realistic thoughts that counteract the negative ones.

This straightforward technique is a very helpful way of changing your feelings and lifting you out of a depressed state.

An Example

I accidentally drop a glass of wine at a party

Negative thoughts		Realistic response
Everyone must think I am stupid		Where is the evidence for that?  Most people probably didn’t notice.  One or two people might think I am clumsy but that’s not the end of the world.
This just demonstrates what a fool I am		Dropping a glass of wine hardly makes me a fool.   Everyone has the odd accident.
I will never be invited back again		Come on now. I haven’t committed the Crime of the century.

ANXIETY AND WORRY

Everybody will experience anxiety, and worry sometime in there lives. It can occur whenever a person believes something terrible is about to happen now or in the future. The symptoms include trembling, cold sweats, butterflies in the stomach and rapid and shallow breathing. 
People will experience anxiety in many different types of situations. It can occur in crowded places, open spaces, work and social gatherings. The most important thing to understand about anxiety is that it is not dangerous and will always pass. The fears behind anxiety include:

• Fear of criticism
• Fear of rejection
• Fear of failure
• Fear of change
• Fear of death
• Fear of fear itself

In my work as a therapist I have found a frequent cause of anxiety is Performance anxiety.
This includes public speaking, asking for a pay rise, going for an interview, meeting someone for the first time, and taking an exam. The common attitude that leads to performance anxiety can be summed up in this way. “In this situation whatever terrible thing can go wrong will go wrong and if it does I could not possibly stand it”. Dr Albert Ellis has called this catastrophizing. People commonly believe that in order to be able do what they fear they first have to overcome their anxiety. In reality the reverse is true; the key to conquering anxiety is to actually do whatever makes you anxious. Recognise that whatever is worrying you is unlikely to happen and even if it did you would probably be able to cope.

HOW TO COPE WITH ANXIETY.

• Remind yourself that feelings of anxiety always pass.
• Distract yourself by focusing your attention on someone or something in your surroundings.
• Practice relaxation and deep breathing.
• Visualise somebody you trust offering you words of encouragement.
• Remind yourself that whatever you fear happening is unlikely to happen, and if it does tell yourself that you will find a way to cope.
• Take some physical activity such as brisk walking, running or swimming.

HOW TO COPE WITH WORRY

• Set aside ten minutes every day to worry. Worry as much as you can for that period of time and then tell yourself that you are not going to worry again till tomorrow.
• Think of an amusing scene. For example picture Corporal Jones from the popular television comedy Dads Army running around shouting “Don’t panic don’t panic”.
• Write down what is worrying you. Make a list of all the things you would like to do about the situation. Study this list and then tick all of those that in reality you can do something about. Act on those - and let go of the others.

PICTURE YOURSELF COPING

Negativity feeds off itself. So if you are always thinking the worst then you may actually talk yourself into more than your fair share of bad experiences. You can use visualisation to cope with a situation that you fear. This is how it is done:

1. Sit in a comfortable position and close your eyes.
2. Vividly imagine the situation you are anxious about.
3. Feel your anxiety rise.
4. Now picture yourself coping with the situation.
5. Imagine that you are using a breathing technique and talking to yourself in a calm reassuring way. Use coping statements such as “This is just anxiety it will soon pass” “I know I will be OK” “This is not as bad as I think”
6. When you feel your anxiety decrease, open your eyes.
   Practice the exercise unhurriedly two to three times each day allowing five to ten minutes each time. If you have a stressful situation coming up, allow as much preparation time as possible. You should start to notice a change in your anxiety after about 30 days.

This article is taken from my book identifying understanding and solutions to stress published by Caxtion Editions.

Relax With Ease

Many people make the mistake of thinking that they do not have the time to relax. Others believe that relaxation is only for winding down at the end of a hard day. One of my clients believed that time spent following a relaxation procedure would impede his efficiency at work, but after a few weeks practice he felt more alert and better able to concentrate. Waiting for a stressful event to occur is not the best time to begin learning relaxation It is far better to set aside 20 minutes a day for practice. Once learnt you will be able to let go of your tension in virtually any situation. Relaxation produces a wonderful feeling of well being helping to relax tense muscles.

It can also -

• Reduce your anxiety.
• Eliminate fatigue.
• Improve physical and mental performance.
• Help you to get to sleep.
• Manage pain
• Lower your blood pressure.
• Manage irritable bowel syndrome

PROGRESSIVE RELAXATION.

Progressive relaxation is a technique that focuses on deep muscle relaxation. It was first developed in the 1920s by Dr Edmund Jacobson and over the years has been refined and modified. This technique involves tightening different muscles groups. If you have neck or back problems you may wish to modify the procedure. Never practice while driving or when your concentration is needed elsewhere.

The procedure is as follows.

1. Sit or lie down in a quiet comfortable place. Remove contact lenses and any sharp objects such as jewellery. Uncross your arms and legs. Take in a deep breath and hold for as long as you find it comfortable. Breath out - letting all feelings of tension leave your body.

2. Clench your right fist, tighter and tighter. Notice the tension in your clenched fist, hand and arm. Now relax your fist and feel your right hand and arm go loose and limp. Notice the contrast with the tension. Repeat the procedure with your left fist and then with both fists.

3. Focus your attention on your forehead. Pull your eyebrows together as tightly as possible and hold.  Now relax and let your forehead smooth out. Notice the contrast between tension and relaxation. Repeat the procedure and notice how relaxed your forehead can become.

4. Close your eyes together as tightly as possible, feel the tension, now relax your eyes letting your eyelids droop. Keeping your eyes closed repeat the procedure. Let your eyes remain closed for the rest of the exercise.

5. Clench your jaw biting your back teeth together. Feel the tension as it spreads throughout your jaw. Now relax your jaw. Once again notice the contrast between tension and relaxation, then repeat the procedure.

6. Pull your head back as far as is comfortable. Feel the tension in your neck, hold and then roll you're head slowly to the right and then to the left. Notice the tension. Then straighten your head and bring it forward, push your chin onto your chest. Feel the tension in the back of your neck. Relax and allow your head to return to a comfortable position. Repeat the procedure and allow the relaxation to deepen.

7. Hunch your shoulders and hold for as long as is comfortable. Feel the tension. Then let your shoulders relax. Feel the relaxation spreading. Repeat the procedure and see how relaxed your shoulders can become.

8. Focus on the rhythm of your breathing. the rising and the falling of your diaphragm and chest. Notice how heavy your body is becoming. With every breath that you take feel your body relax just that little bit more.

9. Pull in your stomach muscles. Hold for as long as is comfortable, feel the tension and then relax. Repeat the procedure.

10. Tighten your buttocks and thighs. Push your heels down as hard as you can. Feel the tension Hold for as long as is comfortable and then relax. Notice the contrast between the tension and relaxation. Then repeat the procedure.

11. Point your toes in a downward direction and notice your calves getting tense. Feel the tension and hold for as long as is comfortable. Then relax. Repeating the procedure.

12. Focus your attention on the comfortable feelings in your body. From the top of your head to the tips of your toes. Notice how relaxed you have become. You can now drift of to a relaxing place in your imagination. It can be somewhere familiar to you. Or it may be an imaginary place that only exists in your mind. When you are ready open your eyes.

For best results practice progressive relaxation on a daily basis for approximately 20 minutes.

It is important to take your time and not rush through the technique. After practicing the procedure you may notice tension in parts of your body that you thought did not exist. This is not an unusual experience and is an indication that you are becoming aware of the parts of your body where you hold on to tension. With practice this will pass. You may find it beneficial to make a tape recording of the procedure or have some one talk you through it.

THE BRIEF RELAXATION TECHNIQUE.

You can benefit from learning a brief method of relaxation. This is especially helpful if you find yourself in a stressful situation that requires you to let go of tension immediately. For example, Lisa -  who was studying for her degree in economics - came to see me because she was behind in her studies and under immense stress. Lisa told me that the harder she tried to study the more stress and anxiety she would experience. She was convinced that she would fail her exams. I spent some time with Lisa looking at how she approached her studies and how her irrational thinking might be contributing towards her distress. I suggested to her that she take regular breaks from her studies and practice the brief relaxation technique. She found this very helpful and reported that it reduced her anxiety and improved her concentration.  

You can also benefit from learning a brief method of relaxation. This is especially helpful if you find yourself in a stressful situation that requires you to let go of tension immediately. . You can also practice the technique for a couple of minutes every two to three hours to keep distress at bay.  All you need to do is:

1. Sit in a comfortable chair.

2. Relax and close your eyes.

3. Focus on the rhythm of your breathing.

4. Let your whole body become lose and limp.

5. Imagine a relaxing scene.

Many of my clients find this simple process very helpful in stressful working environments where taking regular breaks can sometimes prove difficult. This is equally true if you are a homemaker with demanding young children to take care of.

PICTURE YOUR STRESS AWAY.

You can use your mind to help you relax by creating pleasant images in your imagination.

This is called visualisation and can involve all of your senses. For example if you were to imagine yourself on a beach you could picture the sand, feel the warmth of the sun, hear the sound of the sea and smell the salt air. Imagery can also be used to create and recreate emotions.

For instance you could imagine a past experience when you felt very calm and relaxed.

Tom, another client of mine, told me how he used the power of visualisation to create his own imaginary safe place. Whenever he felt that stress was getting the better of him he would go to this place to "recharge his emotional battery". After going to his safe place for five to ten minutes he felt revitalised. This is how it is done:

1. Sit in a comfortable chair.

2. Close your eyes

3. Focus on the rhythm of your breathing.

4. In your mind paint a picture of a comfortable relaxing place.

5. Allow yourself to feel relaxed and safe in this place. Think of it, as somewhere you can just be yourself and let go of all your troubles.

6. Go to your safe place whenever you feel the need. You can use it as a place to resolve problems. To think things through or to just switch off,  the more you practice the easier it will become.

BREATHE YOUR STRESS AWAY.

When we feel under threat our breathing rate increases in preparation for fight or flight, but if this response is inappropriate we can feel anxious and short of breath.

In order to achieve a good quality of relaxation, you need to learn how to breathe correctly. This may surprise you; after all you have been breathing since you were born. Many people who experience stress and anxiety are breathing in a shallow way from their chest. People who are relaxed are breathing slowly and deeply from their abdomen. One of the most effective ways of switching of stress and anxiety is to practice deep breathing. Here is the process:

1. Sit down in a comfortable place.

2. Tune into the rhythm of your breathing.

3. Put your hand on your stomach.  As you breathe try and feel your stomach moving up and down. The aim is to breathe from your stomach instead of from your chest 

4. When this has been achieved slow the rate of your breathing down.

At first you may find it difficult to breathe from your stomach .To get a comfortable rhythm you may find it helpful to say the word relax as you breathe out. One of my clients would imagine all her stress leaving in a black cloud. As you keep practicing you will find your body becoming more relaxed.

SCAN YOUR STRESS AWAY.

A fast and effective way to check for stress is to use a technique called scanning. The idea is to mentally scan through your body from the top of your head to the tips of your toes to discover where you are holding tension. Whether you are driving to work or waiting in a supermarket checkout, scanning is easy to practice. . The basic idea is to direct your attention throughout your body, find your tension then let it go.

This is how it is done:

1. Spend a few moments focusing on the rhythm of your breathing.

2. Breath in and mentally scan an area of your body for tension.

3. Breathe out relaxing the tense area.

4. Move on to the next area of your body repeating the process.

Scan your body at regular intervals throughout the day. You can remind yourself to do this by putting notes in your diary or around your home.

RELAX WITH SELF- HYPNOSIS.

Self-hypnosis is a straightforward, effective and non-mystical way of relaxing the mind and body. In a deeply relaxed state you can repeat to yourself autosuggestions that "I will feel calm and relaxed" in situations were you would normally feel distress.

Self hypnosis involves the following.

1. Make yourself comfortable, sitting or lying down.

2. Without moving your head, slowly roll your eyes up as high as you can.

3. Take a slow deep abdominal breath, hold momentarily and as you exhale close your eyes relaxing the muscles around the eyes.

4. Continue to breathe slowly and naturally as you allow the relaxed feeling to spread from the top of your head all the way down to the tips of your toes, letting go of any feelings of physical tension.

5. To deepen this state of relaxation count backwards from 5 down to 1, counting on each inhalation and as you exhale mentally repeat a word such as relax or peace or another word that has meaning to you.

6. When you feel completely relaxed Give your self auto-suggestions such as "I can remain calm and relaxed in this situation"

7. End the self-hypnosis by counting up from 1 to 5 opening your eyes at the count of five.

When working with self-hypnosis it is important to keep your autosuggestions realistic and positive. Refrain from using suggestions such as  "I will try and relax" or "I must relax" The first implies a struggle and the second is a demand that may lead to more stress. Practice self- hypnosis unhurriedly 2 to 3 times a day. The whole self hypnosis exercise will take about five minutes to practice.

All of the above relaxation techniques can help reduce distress. Unlike alcohol and drugs the only side effects are an increased feeling of well being. However the techniques become more effective if you also work at changing your irrational thoughts. Keep practicing and build on each success.  Persevere and above all do not be put off by setbacks.