© Michael Cohen -An excerpt from His forthcoming book
“Accepting yourself”
A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.
Albert Einstein
Does it make you mad if your partner fails to make the bed in the morning? Do you find you’re unable to tolerate washing-up left in the sink? These seemingly small matters can eat away at perfectionists and it’s possible to literally think yourself into misery. A perfectionist myself, I was given a badge many years ago which read, “Have the courage to be imperfect” — with the word imperfect spelt incorrectly. This got me thinking about how difficult it is to make the changes necessary to become a healthy non-perfectionist. To me, perfectionism equals no mistakes, yet I don’t know anyone who never makes a mistake. I now realize just how unrealistic and counterproductive perfectionism is. Let’s face it, nobody is perfect, and to expect perfection from yourself or others creates unrealistic standards that are likely to create a downward spiral of negative thinking.
This type of thinking leads to self-criticism, and you can end up verbally attacking yourself as well as others. Perfectionists often think in illogical and distorted ways. In his book” Feeling Good- The New Mood Therapy” cognitive therapist, Dr David Burns describes ten different types of distorted thinking that he refers to as ‘cognitive distortions” . Here I give examples of how six of these distortions can manifest in the perfectionist.
Cognitive Distortions
All or nothing Thinking
Mental Filter
Discounting the Positive
Mind Reading
Fortune Telling
Emotional reasoning
All or Nothing Thinking
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A perfectionist tends to see situations in absolute black and white categories; thinking, for example, “I must be the best or I am nothing”.
Loren’s story
Loran is a retired secretary who is about to start an Open University degree course in philosophy. She thinks, “If I don’t understand every concept, then this course will be a total waste of time.” It just doesn’t enter her head that if she doesn’t understand something she can always ask for help, and that if some of the philosophical concepts don’t make sense, she can still get enjoyment from the course.
Mental filter
Perfectionists often focus exclusively on negative details, causing their perception of reality to become unrealistic. If they make just one mistake or if someone disapproves of them just once, then it’s all gone wrong and anything positive flies out of the window.
After starting her Open University course, Loran tells friends that she is learning philosophy. Many congratulate her on going back to education in her later years. However, one person says something mildly critical. What do you think she dwells on - the positive comments or the critical one? Yes, you’re right; she dismisses the positive remarks and frets about the negative reaction.
Discounting the positive
In a similar way, when a perfectionist accomplishes something, it’s as though it somehow doesn’t count. Loran’s first essay comes back with a good mark, but she tells herself that the essay wasn’t that good and was only given that mark by the tutor to encourage her to stick with the course. When another student comments on the high standard of the essay, Loran responds by saying anyone could have produced a first essay to that standard.
Mind reading
Perfectionists tend to believe that people are thinking and reacting negatively to them when there is no real evidence to back this up. Loran is convinced that her family and friends will think she’s crazy to take up studying again after all these years. And she thinks that her sister in particular, will wonder what she knows about philosophy. Yet, the fact of the matter is that her sister turns out to be extremely supportive of Loran’s decision.
Fortune telling
It’s common for perfectionists to predict that things will go badly with potentially dire consequences. Loran believes that however much effort she puts into studying, she will never gain her degree. “No matter how hard I try, I just know I’m going to fail,” she thinks to herself. Yet, realistically, Loran has just as much chance of getting her degree as the other students do.
Emotional reasoning
Perfectionists’ reasoning is based on the way they are feeling rather than taking the reality of the situation into account. Loran believes that because she feels she can’t sit the exam, she will never be able to go through with it. The reality is that she is perfectly capable of passing, but she suffers from exam nerves.
Six Mistaken Ideas of Perfectionism
- 1,-I must be perfect.
If you believe you must always be perfect then you’ll have a hard time coping with mistakes. Being human means that you will sometimes make mistakes. Perfectionists demand that they never make mistakes and spiral into misery when they do. This then leads to anxiety, worry, fears and eventually a “why bother” attitude.
Deborah’s story
Deborah wants to teach literary skills to adults. Having recently retired, she wants to study for something that she considers worthwhile. An application form from a local college that accepts mature students is sitting on her desk, but she feels anxious so holds back from filling it in.
Deborah is thinking:
- What if I make a mistake on the application form and don’t get accepted onto the course?
- What if I don’t like the course?
- What if it’s all a big mistake?
The real mistake Deborah is making is to demand a perfect outcome. She is asking for a guarantee that she won’t make any mistakes, and believes that if she does make an error, it will mean instant failure and rejection. She is also thinking that she might not like the course anyway so why bother.
2, I Must be Seen to be Perfect
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Perfectionists often hold the mistaken idea that other people expect perfection of them when in reality other people expect nothing of the sort. This type of perfectionism is often experienced in social situations. When meeting new people, the perfectionist may be feeling anxious due to the mistaken belief that, “If you really knew what I was like then you wouldn’t want to know me,” or “If I shake or blush then you will think I am strange.”
James’s story
James believes that he has to be the perfect conversationalist and should have the perfect response to any conversation he engages in. James thinks that if he shows a less than perfect understanding of the subject being discussed, people will look down on him. As a consequence, he rarely speaks up, only doing so when he’s feeling really confident about the topic being discussed. What’s more, when he does engage in conversation, he’s terrified of how others will perceive him.
James thinks to himself:
- What if I say something stupid?
- What if people think I don’t know what I’m talking about?
- What if they look down on me?
James is demanding that he must be the perfect conversationalist, and that if he fails to impress others with his vast knowledge of just about any subject, he will be rejected. Is it any wonder that he feels anxious and tends to avoid social interaction?
3, I Must Control my Emotions at All Times
Perfectionists sometimes hold the mistaken belief that they must be happy and calm all the time; believing, for example, “I should never be angry/anxious/ worried/depressed”, or “I should never argue with anyone”.
Ian’s story
Ian has been dating his girlfriend Andrea for three months. During this time, Andrea has called the shots on where to go, who to see and what to do. If Ian tries to suggest they do something different, Andrea tends to dismiss his ideas out of hand. Ian complies with Andrea’s wishes, wearing a happy smile and never expressing how he truly feels, but over time, Ian has become increasingly resentful that Andrea never gives his ideas and suggestions the time of day. Ian believes he must play the part of happy, smiling, compliant boyfriend, but he is becoming increasingly concerned about the future of their relationship.
Ian thinks:
- What if she thinks my ideas are no good?
- What if we end up having a huge argument?
- What if she thinks badly of me?
- She might want to dump me
Ian believes he has to hold on tightly to negative emotions and he is terrified of expressing how he really feels for fear of confrontation. He has reached a point where he can’t stand it any longer, but rather than tackle the issue, he ends the relationship.
4, My Partner Must Be Perfect
Perfectionists sometimes have unrealistic expectations about relationships, and they can have problems sustaining a relationship because they expect perfection from their partner. At first, it may seem like their mate is everything they’ve been looking for, but as the relationship becomes more involved, they discover that their partner doesn’t live up to their expectations. The romantic perfectionist finds it difficult to move from the early honeymoon period to a real human intimate relationship, becoming frustrated and depressed.
Beverlys story
Beverly is a serial dater. As an attractive woman, Beverly is asked out by eligible attractive men on a regular basis. However, even though she has got on well with most of them, Beverly just can’t commit. After just one or two dates, which is hardly enough time to give her or the guy a chance, she finds something “not quite right”. Beverly is unable to choose a mate because she always thinks someone more perfect is just around the corner. As a result, Beverly has never experienced a satisfying long-term relationship.
Beverly thinks to herself:
- This guy is too fat/thin/short/tall
- What if he’s not perfect in bed?
- What if he snores?
- What if I find out he’s not perfect?
- I couldn’t stand having to end it
The idea of embarking on a relationship that might not work out terrifies Beverly. In the few relationships that she has had, Beverly has not given much thought to the idea of compromise, and this has stopped her love affairs from progressing. Demanding that a partner is perfect is asking for trouble, and it is no guarantee of a successful intimate relationship.
5, Other People Must Be Perfect
Perfectionists can believe that other people must always meet their expectations, and that they must be perfect. They may also believe that the world must behave in the way they demand, which is a recipe for disaster.
Peters story
Peter demands perfection from his son, Ian. He wants him to be the very best in his class. From maths to English, cricket to gymnastics, Ian has to excel. Peter is totally preoccupied with his son’s performance and this inevitably puts Ian under intolerable pressure. Then, out of the blue, Ian’s head-teacher asks Peter to come into the school to discuss his son’s emotional state of mind. It turns out that Peter demands perfectionism from Ian because he believes it is in his best interest. After all, Peter had been through a difficult time as a child due to his parents’ divorce and he had experienced problems at school, which meant that he left school at the age of sixteen without any qualifications.
Peter is thinking:
- He must be the best or else I have failed him
- What sort of a parent am I if I don’t push him?
- What happens if he ends up on the scrap heap as I did?
Peter has paid very little attention to Ian’s genuine achievements. Instead of focusing on the fact that Ian is achieving good grades, he continues to demand an impossibly high standard. This is unintentionally cruel and self-defeating and it is irrational because no one is perfect.
6, In Order to Be Loved and Accepted, I Must Have a Perfect Body
Holding this or a similar idea may be one of the most potentially damaging forms of perfectionism in our society today, as this leads to an array of problems including eating disorders, depression and even suicide.
Heathers story
Heather is disgusted with herself. Standing on the scales, she has put on one and a half pounds since yesterday. Heather is sick of the way her stomach sticks out. She’s also convinced that her thighs are fatter. Heather resolves not to eat that day and goes off to work determined to drink only water. She works through her lunch break, but later that day a colleague reminds her about tonight’s meal at a local restaurant in celebration of his birthday. Heather’s heart sinks and she resolves to only have a salad. When she gets home from the restaurant and sees her bloated stomach, she thinks, “that’s it; I will always be fat.” Reaching into the cupboard, Heather takes out a very large bar of chocolate and devours the lot. She then cries herself to sleep.
Heather is thinking:
- I must look perfect
- My fat stomach will put men off
- Thin is beautiful
- If I don’t eat today I will lose some of my weight
Heather has some very unrealistic and unhealthy ideas about how to lose weight. She is also very close to developing a serious eating disorder such as bulimia or anorexia. This all stems from her out-of-proportion fear of gaining weight and an unrealistic belief that her body should look a certain way.
Perfection Paralysis
Worrying about getting it wrong can sometimes be so powerful that a perfectionist can become paralyzed with fear. If this happens to you, you’ll probably find yourself procrastinating and putting off doing something that in reality, you’re more than capable of doing. If you feel overwhelmed by a task and fear failure, the following five-point exercise may help.
-1Ask yourself if you are thinking in distorted ways.
Have a look at the types of distorted thinking I described earlier in this chapter. Are you thinking in “all or nothing” ways? Are you discounting the positive? Are you predicting a potentially disastrous future? Do any of the six mistaken ideas of perfectionism apply to you?
2-Perfectionists can sometimes set goals that are far too high. Are your goals or tasks achievable, or are you aiming higher than is humanly possible?
3-Break the task down into manageable bite-size pieces, because breaking your goals down into smaller chunks can be really helpful. If you’re crossing a river via steppingstones and the stones are too far apart, you may fall in. Bringing those stones closer together means that you can cross it with ease. If you want to write a book but cannot think of the perfect start, remember that the first chapter is only part of the whole book. Who says you can’t start writing in the middle?
4-Don’t wait to feel like doing something. It’s easy to fall into the trap of putting off an important task because you don’t feel like doing it. For instance, who do you know who looks forward to vacuuming the house? The truth is that positive feelings follow action. Your sense of achievement comes from carrying out a task.
5-What’s the worst that could happen? The perfectionist fears making mistakes and he or she will often perceive dire consequences. Ask yourself what you think might be the worst that could happen? If this does come to pass, what would be the best way of dealing with it? Remember you are only human.
An Exercise in Imperfection
The following exercise will help you learn to accept the fact that as a human being, you are by nature imperfect. Start by doing small tasks imperfectly. For instance, run your vacuum cleaner over your carpet and deliberately leave a corner of the room untouched, or when doing the washing up, leave a plate unwashed. Some people will find this causes unease – maybe even anxiety – and that’s the idea. By confronting your fears, you will discover that nothing terrible happens. You will quickly see that people don’t think badly of you or start disowning you. Your anxiety will reduce as you learn that it’s all right to be imperfect. As a consequence, you will feel more confident and get more things done.
Major Points
When you expect perfection of yourself, you demand that you never make mistakes.
- Perfectionism leads to misery, anxiety and worry
- Perfectionists will often think in illogical and distorted ways. They will dismiss what they have achieved, focus elusively on the negative and perceive dire consequences where none exist
- If you fear making mistakes, ask yourself, “What is the worst that could happen?” Most of the things we worry about never happen. If a worry does come to pass, look for the best way of dealing with it
- Deliberately make a mistake and discover it’s OK to be imperfect
© Michael Cohen
