EMOTIONS AND DISTRESS.

Let us face facts, feelings cause distress. Emotions such as anger, anxiety, and depression can paralyse, blocking us from achieving our goals. As previously explained we have far more control over our emotions than we might think .So let us now take a closer look at how to manage emotions that lead to distress.

Anger
Anger is one of the most destructive emotions we can experience. When someone or something does not live up to our expectations we feel anger because we may hold the following types of beliefs -
“You must treat me the way I want” “You are a terrible person ” “Life must be fair.”
The problem with this attitude is that however hard we might try we cannot control other people or the world. Anger can have a detrimental effect on physical and emotional health. It is often a signal that something needs to be dealt with and if left unchecked, anger can lead to violence. Therapists sometimes teach their clients to express their anger in a physical way by hitting cushions or screaming out. Sometimes however this can have the effect of strengthing the angry feelings, so it is far better to change your irrational beliefs and then try and resolve the matter in a practical way.

How to cope with anger

• Recognise that anger is a natural human emotion that is not bad or evil. It is what you do with your anger that matters.
• Learn to recognise the situations and circumstances that lead to your anger so that you can be better prepared for them.
• Remember that it is not events in themselves, but our view about events that cause feelings such as anger. Whenever you can, challenge your irrational beliefs.
• Practice relaxation techniques and use them whenever your anger is triggered. Deep breathing can be especially helpful for this.
• If you become angry with someone take a deep breath, silently count to ten, then if appropriate talk the matter through in an assertive, non-aggressive way.
• See if you can look at the situation from a different perspective. Ask yourself “is this really worth getting so angry about?” You may even be able to laugh at the situation.
• Channel your anger in a creative way: writing, drawing, art, music, and exercise-all these mediums can turn anger into a positive force.

Anger management through visualisation
Peter was angry, it was his third visit to the store and his computer had still not been repaired. To make matters worse the manager could not confirm exactly when the computer would be ready. Peter became aggressive, shouting at the top of his voice. After the manager threatened to call the police Peter left the store in disgust.

Now this aggressive behaviour was not an isolated incident and Peter wanted to learn how to control it. I introduced Peter to a visualisation method where he pictured himself remaining calm in trying circumstances. The following rehearsal method helped Peter to reduce his anger.

1. Sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes breath slowly/ calmly and relax.
2. Vividly imagine a situation in which you become angry. See and hear yourself as you build up your feelings of anger. Observe your posture, feel your tension. Notice how the other person responds to your behaviour.
3. Once you can really feel your anger silently repeat a coping phrase to yourself such as “I can remain calm” “It’s not worth getting angry”. “Why let him/her push my buttons” “ I can choose not to get angry” “Just because he/she has made an unpleasant remark does not mean I have to agree with it.
4. Repeat the process on a regular basis until you feel a reduction in your anger.

The idea is to reduce your angry feelings and behaviour but not to imagine the other person responding differently. We can learn to control our own attitudes but not other peoples. However 
when you learn to better manage your behaviour you may notice others changing too.

Anger in relationships
Disagreements though painful are a natural part of most couples’ relationships. However blazing arguments can get completely out of hand with accusations and threats meted out in abundance. Instead of clearing the air this behaviour can leave couples feeling hurt and angry and stop them talking to each other for days. Good communication is an effective way of reducing arguments and one of the most important elements of a satisfying and long lasting relationship.

The elements of effective communication
Bellow I describe some of the most common mistakes that lead to arguments and some examples to change your style of communication.

• Attacking. This is when your partner may say ” You just don’t understand” and you fail to acknowledge their feelings and go on to attack and criticise.
• Hint 1. Even if you think what they are saying is wrong the key is to acknowledge that this is how they are feeling. Empathising in this way will have the effect of lowering the temperature because your partner will feel you are making an attempt to understand their feelings. You can then go on to express how you feel.
• Generalising. “You are totally selfish” is an example of a generalisation It implies that a person is selfish one hundred percent of the time. But do occasional acts of selfishness make a person totally selfish?
• Hint 2. When communicating try and make your comments as specific as possible. E.G. “I think you acted in a selfish way when you refused to give Angela a lift home”
• Criticising. There are two forms of criticism. The first type is negative and consists of putdowns such as “You always do this” “You never do that” The second form of criticism is constructive. It requests that a person change their behaviour.
• Hint 3. Make your criticisms constructive by asking for a specific change. It is unhelpful to say, You never close the garage door”. Instead try saying “In the future can you please remember to close the garage door.
• Denying. You tell your partner that you do not feel hurt and angry when in reality you do. You deny your true feelings because you fear dire consequences if you speak up. You could be thinking. “If I speak up for myself he will be furious and leave me”
• Hint 4. Imaging disasters will often hold you back from self-expression and like the swing of a pendulum can lead to future aggressive outbursts. Effective communication includes assertiveness, which means letting your partner know in a non-threatening way, that you do not like something they are doing, have done or said.
• Bad timing. You have had a difficult day, you are hungry and your partner wants to talk. Not exactly a good time for constructive communication.
• Hint 5. Tell your partner that it is important to talk things over- but not at this precise moment. Ask for half an hours “time out” so you can relax and then you will be happy to talk.

You can practice being assertive in front of a mirror, in your imagination and by recording your new communication style on a cassette tape. Good communication is a skill that takes practice. You will get it wrong sometimes- but that is because you are human. With practice you will succeed.

DEPRESSION

Clinical depression is one of the most painful mood states that can be experienced. There is a vast difference between feeling down in the dumps and depressed. The symptoms can be both physical and emotional and seriously affect a person’s ability to function. Depression has often been described as anger turned inward. This is often the result of people blaming themselves for not living up to their own expectations or the expectations they believe others have of them.
People commonly think of depression as a sign of weakness and label themselves as useless. It can be especially painful to be told“ Pull yourself together” - because that is exactly what the depressed person wishes they could do. The fact is that clinical depression is a serious condition that requires medical and psychological evaluation.

The symptoms of depression include:

•   Feelings of hopelessness.
•   Lack of motivation.
•   Low self-esteem.
•   Feeling guilty.
•   Negative thinking
•   Suicidal thoughts and feelings
•   Sleep disturbance.
•   Appetite or weight changes
•   Loss of sex drive
•   Loss of interest in life
•   Fatigue

HOW TO COPE WITH DEPRESSION.

Identify what may have caused your depression. It is important to identify what may have triggered your depression. Have you recently suffered a loss? Moved home? Are you isolated from your family and friends? Do you think of your self as a failure? Once you have identified the possible reasons for your depression you will be in a better position to do something about it.
Exercise on a regular basis. Swimming, walking or riding a bicycle are all good forms of exercise and will release endorphins, the body’s natural anti-depressant hormone.

Put some structure into your day. Include activities that you would normally find pleasurable. You may think that in order to achieve something you have to feel like doing it. In fact the reverse is often true; it is the doing that will give you the feeling of accomplishment and will spur you on to achieve your goals.

Talk to someone you trust. When you are feeling depressed communication is important. Express how you feel by talking to friends and members of your family.

Challenge your negative thinking. You may have noticed that when you feel depressed your style of thinking is pessimistic. You may have thoughts such as “I shouldn’t be feeling like this” or “I am weak person for feeling depressed”. Identify your irrational thinking and challenge it. Stop defining yourself as incompetent and useless.

Seek professional help. Sometimes depression is the result of a chemical imbalance and may need to be treated by medication. Counselling and psychotherapy can be helpful for most types of depression. Whatever the cause of your depression it is important to seek professional help.

THE DISTORTIONS IN YOUR THINKING

The psychiatrists Aaron Beck, who developed cognitive therapy, and David Burns an innovator in the field have identified specific forms of distorted thinking. Called cognitive distortions they can lead to feelings of depression and other negative emotions. Some of the most common types of cognitive distortions are:

All or nothing thinking. This involves looking at things as either black or white, good or bad, leaving no room for middle ground. You might believe “Either I succeed at everything I attempt or else I am a total failure.” Jim had successfully stopped smoking for three months but then experienced a stressful event resulting in him smoking one cigarette. Jim thought, “That’s it, I’ve blown it completely!” This thought upset him so much that he went on to smoke an entire packet of cigarettes.

Predicting the future. Without evidence you predict that things will turn out badly. After being ill for three months Penny thought “I will never have the energy to work again” Happily Penny returned to work the following month. Whenever Penny starts to worry she now asks herself. “Am I jumping to conclusions?”

Mind reading. Again without evidence you believe you no what other people think about you. At a social gathering Sandra accidentally dropped a glass of wine, she thought to herself “People will think of me as totally incompetent.” Moments later someone she had never met told Sandra that only the previous week she had dropped a drink in a similar situatiation. That was the start of a new friendship.

Labelling. When you have done something wrong or made a mistake you label yourself a “failure” “stupid” “weak” etc. When Richard failed to complete his exam paper he thought, “I’m a failure” Labelling is irrational because you are not the same as what you do. You are therefore not a failure but a human being that will sometimes fail.

Mental filter. You filter out all the positive aspects of a situation and focus only on the negative details. Despite four newspapers giving excellent reviews to Michael’s performance in an amateur play, one paper was very critical. Michael ignored all the positive feedback and focused exclusively on the negative review. When people focus exclusively on the negative they greatly reduce their happiness.

Personalising. When something bad happens you may see it as totally your fault. Even though you may have little if anything to do with the situation you blame yourself and overlook how others might be involved. Patrick’s thirteen-year-old son was caught stealing sweets from a shop. Even though Patrick had always tried to teach his son right from wrong he thought, “This proves what a poor role model I am.”

HOW TO LIFT YOURSELF OUT OF DEPRESSION.

Dr David Burns has suggested a powerful way of transforming your mood.
This is how it is done:

1. Take a pen and paper and draw a line down the middle of the page.
2. In the left-hand column write down all of your negative thoughts about an upsetting situation.
3. Look at each thought and begin to challenge them by asking yourself the following questions.
   • What errors am I making in my thinking?
   • Am I looking at things as either black or white leaving no room for middle ground?
   • Am I predicting the future, thinking that things will turn out badly without the evidence to support my conclusions?
   • Am I mind reading, believing that people are thinking badly of me without evidence to back it up?
     Am I labelling myself?
   • Am I focusing exclusively on the negative and ignoring the positive?
   • Am I personalising - seeing the situation as totally my fault?
4. In the right hand column substitute more realistic thoughts that counteract the negative ones.

This straightforward technique is a very helpful way of changing your feelings and lifting you out of a depressed state.

An Example

I accidentally drop a glass of wine at a party

Negative thoughts		Realistic response
Everyone must think I am stupid		Where is the evidence for that?  Most people probably didn’t notice.  One or two people might think I am clumsy but that’s not the end of the world.
This just demonstrates what a fool I am		Dropping a glass of wine hardly makes me a fool.   Everyone has the odd accident.
I will never be invited back again		Come on now. I haven’t committed the Crime of the century.

ANXIETY AND WORRY

Everybody will experience anxiety, and worry sometime in there lives. It can occur whenever a person believes something terrible is about to happen now or in the future. The symptoms include trembling, cold sweats, butterflies in the stomach and rapid and shallow breathing. 
People will experience anxiety in many different types of situations. It can occur in crowded places, open spaces, work and social gatherings. The most important thing to understand about anxiety is that it is not dangerous and will always pass. The fears behind anxiety include:

• Fear of criticism
• Fear of rejection
• Fear of failure
• Fear of change
• Fear of death
• Fear of fear itself

In my work as a therapist I have found a frequent cause of anxiety is Performance anxiety.
This includes public speaking, asking for a pay rise, going for an interview, meeting someone for the first time, and taking an exam. The common attitude that leads to performance anxiety can be summed up in this way. “In this situation whatever terrible thing can go wrong will go wrong and if it does I could not possibly stand it”. Dr Albert Ellis has called this catastrophizing. People commonly believe that in order to be able do what they fear they first have to overcome their anxiety. In reality the reverse is true; the key to conquering anxiety is to actually do whatever makes you anxious. Recognise that whatever is worrying you is unlikely to happen and even if it did you would probably be able to cope.

HOW TO COPE WITH ANXIETY.

• Remind yourself that feelings of anxiety always pass.
• Distract yourself by focusing your attention on someone or something in your surroundings.
• Practice relaxation and deep breathing.
• Visualise somebody you trust offering you words of encouragement.
• Remind yourself that whatever you fear happening is unlikely to happen, and if it does tell yourself that you will find a way to cope.
• Take some physical activity such as brisk walking, running or swimming.

HOW TO COPE WITH WORRY

• Set aside ten minutes every day to worry. Worry as much as you can for that period of time and then tell yourself that you are not going to worry again till tomorrow.
• Think of an amusing scene. For example picture Corporal Jones from the popular television comedy Dads Army running around shouting “Don’t panic don’t panic”.
• Write down what is worrying you. Make a list of all the things you would like to do about the situation. Study this list and then tick all of those that in reality you can do something about. Act on those - and let go of the others.

PICTURE YOURSELF COPING

Negativity feeds off itself. So if you are always thinking the worst then you may actually talk yourself into more than your fair share of bad experiences. You can use visualisation to cope with a situation that you fear. This is how it is done:

1. Sit in a comfortable position and close your eyes.
2. Vividly imagine the situation you are anxious about.
3. Feel your anxiety rise.
4. Now picture yourself coping with the situation.
5. Imagine that you are using a breathing technique and talking to yourself in a calm reassuring way. Use coping statements such as “This is just anxiety it will soon pass” “I know I will be OK” “This is not as bad as I think”
6. When you feel your anxiety decrease, open your eyes.
   Practice the exercise unhurriedly two to three times each day allowing five to ten minutes each time. If you have a stressful situation coming up, allow as much preparation time as possible. You should start to notice a change in your anxiety after about 30 days.

This article is taken from my book identifying understanding and solutions to stress published by Caxtion Editions.

Relax With Ease

Many people make the mistake of thinking that they do not have the time to relax. Others believe that relaxation is only for winding down at the end of a hard day. One of my clients believed that time spent following a relaxation procedure would impede his efficiency at work, but after a few weeks practice he felt more alert and better able to concentrate. Waiting for a stressful event to occur is not the best time to begin learning relaxation It is far better to set aside 20 minutes a day for practice. Once learnt you will be able to let go of your tension in virtually any situation. Relaxation produces a wonderful feeling of well being helping to relax tense muscles.

It can also -

• Reduce your anxiety.
• Eliminate fatigue.
• Improve physical and mental performance.
• Help you to get to sleep.
• Manage pain
• Lower your blood pressure.
• Manage irritable bowel syndrome

PROGRESSIVE RELAXATION.

Progressive relaxation is a technique that focuses on deep muscle relaxation. It was first developed in the 1920s by Dr Edmund Jacobson and over the years has been refined and modified. This technique involves tightening different muscles groups. If you have neck or back problems you may wish to modify the procedure. Never practice while driving or when your concentration is needed elsewhere.

The procedure is as follows.

1. Sit or lie down in a quiet comfortable place. Remove contact lenses and any sharp objects such as jewellery. Uncross your arms and legs. Take in a deep breath and hold for as long as you find it comfortable. Breath out - letting all feelings of tension leave your body.

2. Clench your right fist, tighter and tighter. Notice the tension in your clenched fist, hand and arm. Now relax your fist and feel your right hand and arm go loose and limp. Notice the contrast with the tension. Repeat the procedure with your left fist and then with both fists.

3. Focus your attention on your forehead. Pull your eyebrows together as tightly as possible and hold.  Now relax and let your forehead smooth out. Notice the contrast between tension and relaxation. Repeat the procedure and notice how relaxed your forehead can become.

4. Close your eyes together as tightly as possible, feel the tension, now relax your eyes letting your eyelids droop. Keeping your eyes closed repeat the procedure. Let your eyes remain closed for the rest of the exercise.

5. Clench your jaw biting your back teeth together. Feel the tension as it spreads throughout your jaw. Now relax your jaw. Once again notice the contrast between tension and relaxation, then repeat the procedure.

6. Pull your head back as far as is comfortable. Feel the tension in your neck, hold and then roll you're head slowly to the right and then to the left. Notice the tension. Then straighten your head and bring it forward, push your chin onto your chest. Feel the tension in the back of your neck. Relax and allow your head to return to a comfortable position. Repeat the procedure and allow the relaxation to deepen.

7. Hunch your shoulders and hold for as long as is comfortable. Feel the tension. Then let your shoulders relax. Feel the relaxation spreading. Repeat the procedure and see how relaxed your shoulders can become.

8. Focus on the rhythm of your breathing. the rising and the falling of your diaphragm and chest. Notice how heavy your body is becoming. With every breath that you take feel your body relax just that little bit more.

9. Pull in your stomach muscles. Hold for as long as is comfortable, feel the tension and then relax. Repeat the procedure.

10. Tighten your buttocks and thighs. Push your heels down as hard as you can. Feel the tension Hold for as long as is comfortable and then relax. Notice the contrast between the tension and relaxation. Then repeat the procedure.

11. Point your toes in a downward direction and notice your calves getting tense. Feel the tension and hold for as long as is comfortable. Then relax. Repeating the procedure.

12. Focus your attention on the comfortable feelings in your body. From the top of your head to the tips of your toes. Notice how relaxed you have become. You can now drift of to a relaxing place in your imagination. It can be somewhere familiar to you. Or it may be an imaginary place that only exists in your mind. When you are ready open your eyes.

For best results practice progressive relaxation on a daily basis for approximately 20 minutes.

It is important to take your time and not rush through the technique. After practicing the procedure you may notice tension in parts of your body that you thought did not exist. This is not an unusual experience and is an indication that you are becoming aware of the parts of your body where you hold on to tension. With practice this will pass. You may find it beneficial to make a tape recording of the procedure or have some one talk you through it.

THE BRIEF RELAXATION TECHNIQUE.

You can benefit from learning a brief method of relaxation. This is especially helpful if you find yourself in a stressful situation that requires you to let go of tension immediately. For example, Lisa -  who was studying for her degree in economics - came to see me because she was behind in her studies and under immense stress. Lisa told me that the harder she tried to study the more stress and anxiety she would experience. She was convinced that she would fail her exams. I spent some time with Lisa looking at how she approached her studies and how her irrational thinking might be contributing towards her distress. I suggested to her that she take regular breaks from her studies and practice the brief relaxation technique. She found this very helpful and reported that it reduced her anxiety and improved her concentration.  

You can also benefit from learning a brief method of relaxation. This is especially helpful if you find yourself in a stressful situation that requires you to let go of tension immediately. . You can also practice the technique for a couple of minutes every two to three hours to keep distress at bay.  All you need to do is:

1. Sit in a comfortable chair.

2. Relax and close your eyes.

3. Focus on the rhythm of your breathing.

4. Let your whole body become lose and limp.

5. Imagine a relaxing scene.

Many of my clients find this simple process very helpful in stressful working environments where taking regular breaks can sometimes prove difficult. This is equally true if you are a homemaker with demanding young children to take care of.

PICTURE YOUR STRESS AWAY.

You can use your mind to help you relax by creating pleasant images in your imagination.

This is called visualisation and can involve all of your senses. For example if you were to imagine yourself on a beach you could picture the sand, feel the warmth of the sun, hear the sound of the sea and smell the salt air. Imagery can also be used to create and recreate emotions.

For instance you could imagine a past experience when you felt very calm and relaxed.

Tom, another client of mine, told me how he used the power of visualisation to create his own imaginary safe place. Whenever he felt that stress was getting the better of him he would go to this place to "recharge his emotional battery". After going to his safe place for five to ten minutes he felt revitalised. This is how it is done:

1. Sit in a comfortable chair.

2. Close your eyes

3. Focus on the rhythm of your breathing.

4. In your mind paint a picture of a comfortable relaxing place.

5. Allow yourself to feel relaxed and safe in this place. Think of it, as somewhere you can just be yourself and let go of all your troubles.

6. Go to your safe place whenever you feel the need. You can use it as a place to resolve problems. To think things through or to just switch off,  the more you practice the easier it will become.

BREATHE YOUR STRESS AWAY.

When we feel under threat our breathing rate increases in preparation for fight or flight, but if this response is inappropriate we can feel anxious and short of breath.

In order to achieve a good quality of relaxation, you need to learn how to breathe correctly. This may surprise you; after all you have been breathing since you were born. Many people who experience stress and anxiety are breathing in a shallow way from their chest. People who are relaxed are breathing slowly and deeply from their abdomen. One of the most effective ways of switching of stress and anxiety is to practice deep breathing. Here is the process:

1. Sit down in a comfortable place.

2. Tune into the rhythm of your breathing.

3. Put your hand on your stomach.  As you breathe try and feel your stomach moving up and down. The aim is to breathe from your stomach instead of from your chest 

4. When this has been achieved slow the rate of your breathing down.

At first you may find it difficult to breathe from your stomach .To get a comfortable rhythm you may find it helpful to say the word relax as you breathe out. One of my clients would imagine all her stress leaving in a black cloud. As you keep practicing you will find your body becoming more relaxed.

SCAN YOUR STRESS AWAY.

A fast and effective way to check for stress is to use a technique called scanning. The idea is to mentally scan through your body from the top of your head to the tips of your toes to discover where you are holding tension. Whether you are driving to work or waiting in a supermarket checkout, scanning is easy to practice. . The basic idea is to direct your attention throughout your body, find your tension then let it go.

This is how it is done:

1. Spend a few moments focusing on the rhythm of your breathing.

2. Breath in and mentally scan an area of your body for tension.

3. Breathe out relaxing the tense area.

4. Move on to the next area of your body repeating the process.

Scan your body at regular intervals throughout the day. You can remind yourself to do this by putting notes in your diary or around your home.

RELAX WITH SELF- HYPNOSIS.

Self-hypnosis is a straightforward, effective and non-mystical way of relaxing the mind and body. In a deeply relaxed state you can repeat to yourself autosuggestions that "I will feel calm and relaxed" in situations were you would normally feel distress.

Self hypnosis involves the following.

1. Make yourself comfortable, sitting or lying down.

2. Without moving your head, slowly roll your eyes up as high as you can.

3. Take a slow deep abdominal breath, hold momentarily and as you exhale close your eyes relaxing the muscles around the eyes.

4. Continue to breathe slowly and naturally as you allow the relaxed feeling to spread from the top of your head all the way down to the tips of your toes, letting go of any feelings of physical tension.

5. To deepen this state of relaxation count backwards from 5 down to 1, counting on each inhalation and as you exhale mentally repeat a word such as relax or peace or another word that has meaning to you.

6. When you feel completely relaxed Give your self auto-suggestions such as "I can remain calm and relaxed in this situation"

7. End the self-hypnosis by counting up from 1 to 5 opening your eyes at the count of five.

When working with self-hypnosis it is important to keep your autosuggestions realistic and positive. Refrain from using suggestions such as  "I will try and relax" or "I must relax" The first implies a struggle and the second is a demand that may lead to more stress. Practice self- hypnosis unhurriedly 2 to 3 times a day. The whole self hypnosis exercise will take about five minutes to practice.

All of the above relaxation techniques can help reduce distress. Unlike alcohol and drugs the only side effects are an increased feeling of well being. However the techniques become more effective if you also work at changing your irrational thoughts. Keep practicing and build on each success.  Persevere and above all do not be put off by setbacks.

SO WHAT’S ALL THIS ABOUT STRESS?

Stress is a word that is banded around a lot these days, usually in the negative. Most people view it as something that must be avoided. Your partner, friends and work colleagues all may say that they are under stress. But what is stress? How does it affect you? How do you recognise it?

When a person believes demands placed on them outweigh their ability to cope they will experience stress.

The technical name for these demands is “stressors “and the wear and tear on the body is the stress. You may think of stress as a relatively new phenomenon; in fact it has been with us for millions of years. Many years ago when men and woman lived in caves life-threatening situations occurred on a daily basis. Cave dwellers hunting for food were regularly exposed to physical dangers. Sabre tooth tigers, lions and other hostile predators might be just around the corner. Faced with one of these threats the body reacts immediately - there is a rush of adrenaline, heightened muscle tension, faster heart rate and raised blood pressure. Blood pumps to the muscles and brain causing the body become alert and as strong as possible, for in order to survive a hunter would have to respond by either fighting the threat or running away from it. This is called the “fight or flight response” and is activated whenever a person is faced with an emergency. Physiologist Walter B Cannon first described it over one hundred years ago.

The “fight or flight response” is still experienced by people today and is of course appropriate whenever we are faced by a real life emergency. However, unlike our ancestors, we are rarely faced with such life threatening situations. Screaming children, nagging bosses and work deadlines are very unpleasant but hardly life threatening. The problem is that nature does not know this and will produce the same fight or flight response. This leaves the body in a high state of arousal but unable to act.

So if everyday pressures mount up and a person is in this state for long periods of time the body soon suffers and the experience becomes distress.

THE THREE STAGES OF STRESS

The first scientist to carry out major research on stress was Doctor Hans Selye. Over fifty years ago he described a model of stress he termed the “General Adaptation Syndrome”. According to Dr Selye there are three stages to the syndrome a person will go through when experiencing a stressful event.

Stage one. Alarm
During this first stage the person experiences alarm, immediately a complex cascade of biochemical events occur and the stress hormones called adrenaline and cortisol are pumped into the bloodstream.

Stage Two. Resistance
At stage two the body’s heightened physical responses create an increase in activity so that the person either leaves the situation, or stays and attempts to cope by resisting or adapting to the stressful event.

Stage three. Exhaustion
By this stage the person has been reacting to the stressful event for so long that they have become overwhelmed, their energy is finally depleted and the result is exhaustion. It is then that people become vulnerable to the health problems that are associated with stress. When the alarm bell rings you need to take some action and learn to deal with stress before stress deals with you!

THE SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF STRESS

Stress can manifest itself in many different ways, so recognising the signs are an important first step in dealing with your problems. Generally the symptoms will manifest themselves in five different ways which we describe as emotional, mental, physical, behavioural and health problems. So without wishing to cause you too much stress lets take a look at them.

The emotional symptoms
The emotional symptoms include,

• Anxiety. Nervousness. Worry.Depression.
• Anger. Irritability. Guilt. Moodiness.
• A loss of enjoyment in life. Loneliness.
• Feeling tearful. A loss of humour...
• A lack of confidence. Isolation.
• A dissatisfaction with your job.

The physical symptoms
The physical symptoms include,

• Feeling restless. Feeling uptight. Jumpy.
• High blood pressure. Palpitations.
• Muscle tensions in the neck and back.
• Headaches. Poor sleep. Fatigue. A lack of energy.
• Pain. Dry mouth. Weakness. Dizziness. Trembling.
• Grinding of the teeth. A frequent need to pass water
• Diarrhoea and constipation. Butterflies in the stomach.
• A loss or increase in appetite. Ringing in the ears. Cramp.

The behavioural symptoms
The behavioural symptoms include,

• Impatience. Impulsiveness. Hyperactivity.
• Short temper. Aggressiveness. Accident-prone.
• Avoiding difficult situations. An increase in smoking.
• The use of prescribed drugs. The use of illegal drugs.
• Alcohol abuse. Absenteeism. Poor work performance.
• Loss of sex drive. Uncooperative. Overworking.
• Compulsions and obsessions.

The mental symptoms
The mental symptoms include,

• Frequent lapses in memory. Constant negative thinking.
• Being very critical of yourself. An inability to make decisions.
• Difficulty getting things done. An increase in susceptibility to criticism.
• Distorted ideas. Very ridged attitudes. Difficulty concentrating.

Health problems 
Stress is often associated with an increase in physical heath problems including,

• High blood pressure. A higher than usual susceptibility to colds and flu.
• Migraines. Irritable bowl syndrome. Ulcers.
• Stomach disorders. Heart attacks. Angina. Strokes. Asthma. Skin rashes.

HOW TO ASSESS YOUR STRESS

Read through the list of symptoms and make a note of those that you feel apply to you. Being aware of your symptoms can be a useful sign that stress is on the increase. By applying the stress reducing techniques described in other articles you will be able to monitor the reduction in your symptoms. It is not the purpose of this web site to diagnose mental health problems, however there are some conditions and symptoms that need to be taken seriously.

These include depression, anxiety, panic attacks, burnout, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

If you are are experiencing any of the following, for your own peace of mind consider seeing your doctor.

• If you are feeling depressed.
• Have lost your appetite.
• Feel that life is not worth living.
• Feel overwhelmed with anxiety.
• If you have lost your energy.
• Experience heart palpitations.

It is also important to seek advice about any physical symptoms such as weightloss, stomach pains, and blurred vision.

THE STRESS GAUGE

One of the most effective ways to measure the amount of stress you are experiencing is to use a “stress gage”. When you have a fever you take your temperature, it makes sense to do the same for your stress levels. The advantage of the stress gage is that it is fast and simple and can be used in virtually any situation.
As you can see from the diagram below zero stands for no stress everything is just fine. Thirty means that some stress is being experienced, fifty denotes a moderate amount, seventy is high and finally one hundred is extreme stress.

STRESS GAUGE
O       30       50       70       100

Whenever you are experiencing stress, for example if you are held up in a supermarket queue or have a pile of unfinished paper work, ask yourself the following, “How much stress am I experiencing now?” Is it thirty, fifty or one hundred percent? Once you have started to use the stress reducing exercises on this web site you will be able to take ”before” and “after” readings and become familiar with the techniques that are most effective for you in your particular situation.

WHAT IS TRIGGERING YOUR STRESS?

The events and circumstances that trigger stress are many and varied. They are caused by external events (such as noise and traffic) and also by our inner thoughts and attitudes about events. Listed below are some major courses of stress.

Work stress
It has been suggested that work is the biggest cause of stress in the western world today. The pace of change in the way we work has never been as great. People have to cope with new information technology longer working hours and short-term contracts. A job is no longer for life. As job insecurity increases people are more likely to remain in a job that is perhaps safe but not necessarily suited to them. It is important to examine the sources of stress at work and whenever possible improve your strategies for coping.

Family and relationship stress
People can experience high levels of stress in their relationships. From marital conflict and difficult children to alcoholism and violence the problems can be wide and varied. These issues need to be properly addressed otherwise the consequences can be serious and lead to separation and divorce.

The stress of bereavement
The loss of a loved one is a devastating life experience. When we lose someone close it is natural to go though a process of mourning. The emotions and stages of the grieving process will vary from person to person. First there is the initial shock of the loss and at this time it is common to experience a feeling of numbness. Anger, guilt, and despair follow as the reality of the loss deepens. This is followed by recovery as the person accepts the bereavement and begins to rebuild their life. It is important to acknowledge the grief and talk to someone close.

The stress of financial problems
Financial problems obviously cause an enormous amount of stress. The loss of a job, an addiction to gambling or mounting bills can lead to family tensions. Ignoring the problem will only make matters worse. When faced with money worries it is important not to panic. Instead talk to your debtors and set a realistic budget.

The stress of change
Changes in your life however big or small whether positive or negative can create stress. Major life changes such as starting a new job, getting married or moving house can challenge our abilities to cope. This is particularly true if we experience too many changes in a short period of time. Although change is an inevitable part of life it makes sense to plan ahead. Whenever possible do not take on too much at once.

Environmental stress
Our environment can be a big factor in the cause of stress. We have to contend with crowded trains, noisy traffic and polluted cities. These conditions can lead to health-related problems such as asthma, allergies and migraine headaches. We cannot easily escape the environment we live in. However healthy eating, exercise and regular breaks can help us to better cope with the stresses and strains of city life.
Although I have listed some of the major triggers of stress you may want to think about other causes that are are specific to you.

YOUR ATTITUDE COUNTS

It is genuinely believed that problems are caused by external stressful events, and to a large extent this is true. As we have seen from the triggers listed previously external events do play a part in the stress we experience. However, it is important to take into consideration our attitude towards these events. The way we think about a situation can have a direct bearing on the amount of stress we experience.

Let us consider the common experience of being stuck in traffic. As we observe the different drivers in their cars we may notice many of them getting very worked up. Some are sounding their car horns and even shouting at the traffic, as if that would magically move it on. Others remain calm taking the time to listen to some music or chat to their passengers. This is an example of people reacting to the same event in opposite ways with different emotions and behaviours. The drivers who became upset are interpreting and labelling the experience of the traffic hold up in a way that is certain to cause distress. It is a fact that our negative thinking causes a large part of the stress we experience. In other articles on my site you will be able to learn how to change your thinking.

This article is an excerpt from my book identifying understanding and solutions to stress published by Caxton Editions.

Is Self-esteem is damaging?

 

Do you make assessments of your worth based on such things as how well you perform at work? Or perhaps you consider yourself worthwhile because you have loving relationships with family and friends? Do you measure your value based on your wealth and fame?  Or perhaps your acceptability is based on how others judge you.

 

Bookshops are packed with a plethora of self-help manuals each recommending that we build up our own sense of self worth, recognize our inner strengths and focus on our accomplishments.

 

 At first this might seem like good advice.  After all, to value oneself is worthwhile and helps people to prosper, and are we not constantly being told that in order to be happy we need high self-esteem?

Unfortunately, people are all too ready to judge themselves based on their traits, performances and behaviours and to rate their self-worth based on what others think of them rather than on their own value as human beings.

 

To esteem yourself means to rate yourself and a person’s self-esteem will seem to be high when he is performing well and feeling fairly competent. However, it is all too easy for self-esteem to plummet when a person falls short of his goal, is rejected by a potential partner or feels unworthy when not living up to his own or others’ expectations.

 

This is how self-esteem becomes conditional and transitory, leading people to feel good one minute while condemning themselves the next.

 

For example, when you achieve success, you may think to yourself “I am a good person” and when you face a setback you say “I failed, and I am a bad person”. We also base self-esteem on how others react to us.

So when you win the approval of significant people in your life, your self-esteem is high and when they reject you it is low.

 

When people perform well it is natural that they feel good as a consequence of their achievement. For example, let us suppose that a salesperson gives an excellent presentation to a group of potential buyers. His boss not only congratulates him for closing a lucrative deal but also rates his presentation as one of the most effective he has ever seen.

 

The salesman feels that this makes him a highly capable person and superior to his colleagues. He believes he has earned his self-esteem and feels good about doing so; the better he performs, the better he feels and the higher his self-esteem. The problem with this approach is that our salesman will eventually run into trouble because all people will fail at their work some of the time and our salesman is no exception. As the legendary psychologist Albert Ellis has noted, “When you succeed in getting what you want, you say ‘that is good. Great!’  But you also rate yourself and say ‘I am a good person for succeeding!’  When you fail to satisfy your achievement goals, you say, ‘that is bad and I am bad.’” (1)

According to Ellis, self-esteem is probably the greatest emotional disturbance known to humans.

 

So if you make your worth as a person depend on your achievements, your feelings of self-worth will be temporary. Measuring your self worth in this way will frequently lead to depression and self-damnation whenever you fail to live up to your goals.

 

In my previous example, the salesperson felt good because his boss congratulated him on giving one of the most effective sales presentations he had ever seen. Winning the approval of his boss can be seen as a good thing - nothing wrong with that; the problem arises when the salesman concludes that because his boss thinks well of him that makes him a good and worthy person. He ties his worth as a person up with his boss’s opinion of him.

 

The following month our salesman gives another sales presentation that fails to secure a deal. This time his boss is very critical, stating that the lack of a sale was primarily due to his less than adequate performance.

The salesman’s feelings of self-worth plummet. Before even taking the time to think about his boss’s opinion, he agrees with him and concludes that because his presentation was inadequate he is inadequate. So our salesman confuses “an inadequate performance” with “being an inadequate person.”

 

Other examples of this confusion include equating making a mistake with being a mistake; having a failure with being a failure; and doing something that is bad with being a bad person.

 

This denigration of the self is a falsehood and a prescription for further failure. If people define themselves as a total failure then they lack any ability for success both now and in the future. The salesman told himself that he was “inadequate as a person” for giving an inadequate presentation. But how could an inadequate person ever give a presentation that was adequate let alone excellent?

 

The more people put themselves down, the less likely they are to perform well because they are quite literally prescribing failure for themselves.

 

How Samantha began to accept herself

 

A few years ago, a client consulted me with a view to raising her self-esteem. Samantha was due to attend an old school-friend’s wedding. She knew that a lot of her old classmates would be there and this was causing her considerable anxiety. Samantha explained to me that she had been bullied by some of these classmates. She suffered from dyslexia and had considerable difficulty with her reading and writing. This had set her back and she had been placed in a class with students two years below her age. Consequently, these classmates had labelled her the “school dunce” and she felt like one. It had taken her many years to build up self-esteem and to feel like something approaching an adequate human being.

 

This articulate and intelligent 39-year-old woman was scared that a meeting with past classmates would bring back these old feelings of inadequacy. She thought it unlikely she would again be called a dunce, but would the inference be there?  Just the thought of a conversation with them sent waves of anxiety through her body.

 

I asked Samantha what specifically it was about the reunion that was causing her anxiety.

 

Samantha was worried that her classmates would bring up the subject of their school days. “What if they start talking about the difficulties I had at school? What if they get drunk and start calling me a dunce again? I couldn’t stand that.”

 

I asked Samantha whose idea it was that she was a dunce - her idea or their idea? 

Samantha: “I know they used to think I was stupid; they used to bully me about it every day.”

Michael: “So they used to call you stupid but does that mean you are stupid?”

Samantha: “At the time I used to think it did. I have dyslexia and found reading and writing difficult; it has improved but I still think of myself as a bit thick.”

Michael: “It sounds like as a child your feelings of confidence and self-worth were low; the bullying and name calling was unacceptable. It must have been difficult to resist agreeing with the obnoxious and unrealistic idea that difficulty with reading and writing equals stupidity.

The good news is that together we can both prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that continuing to hold the view that you are stupid is untrue and self-defeating. Would you like to do that?”

 

We can see that at the time Samantha agreed with her classmates - she had thought of herself as a dunce and still held on to this view today. A popular therapeutic approach to helping Samantha would have been to rehash the trauma of the bullying she experienced in the past and to then focus on her positive qualities in order to raise her feelings of self-worth. To some extent this may have proven helpful; however, to focus attention on her good qualities without addressing the erroneous view she held of herself as stupid would probably have left Samantha with continuing feelings of inferiority. I thought it important to show Samantha that not only were her classmates’ views of her totally wrong, but that more importantly, she was wrong to agree with them.

 

You are not your problems

 

Samantha can now see that her dyslexia has been and to some extent still is a problem in her life. It held her back and she left school without any formal qualifications. The mistake Samantha makes is to then label herself a dunce.

I asked Samantha to give me a definition of a dunce.

 

Samantha: “A stupid person.”

 

Michael: “Well that’s a definition that we find in the dictionary; however, I would argue that there is no such thing as ‘a stupid person’- just people who do stupid things. Everyone does stupid things; in fact, I doubt if there is a person in this world who has never done anything stupid.”

 

Samantha: “But my classmates thought I was stupid.”

 

Michael: “But does that make you stupid? “

 

Samantha: “I believed that dyslexia made me stupid.”

 

Michael: “Yes, you did; however, dyslexia is a learning difficulty and having a learning difficulty hardly makes you stupid. Would you consider a person who is colour-blind to be stupid? Or how about someone who stutters?”

 

Samantha: “If a person says something bad about me I tend to agree.”

 

Michael: “That’s right – some people will label you; they put you down if you get things wrong, call you all sorts of names, but that’s their problem. You can choose not to agree with them.”

 

Samantha: “So how do I do that?”

 

Michael: “By never rating yourself as stupid, bad or mad. Rate your traits by all means. For instance, if you were to make a mistake at work you would be correct to think, “I made a stupid mistake but I am not a stupid person. I am a fallible person who made a stupid mistake.” If I called you an octopus would that make you an octopus – no, of course not. You’re a human being not an octopus and you’re not stupid but a fallible human being who sometimes makes mistakes.”

 

Samantha was now able to see that rating herself instead of things about herself was not only inaccurate but a guarantee of unhealthy emotions such as anger, fear, shame and guilt. You cannot rate people; you can only rate their acts.

 

The antidote to self-esteem

 

Self-esteem is a rating game; you rate yourself, your essence and your whole being. This seems fine when life is going well; you have a good career, satisfying relationships and enough money. The problem arises when you tell yourself you’re a good person for having these things, because sooner or later life bites you in the bum and things go wrong. You may lose your job, get rejected by your loved one or lose some money; then your feelings of self-worth plummet. The mistake you make is to tie your self-worth up with your success and achievements; and being fallible, like all people, there will be times when you fail.

 

Surprisingly, the antidote to this trap does not come from some new-age mumbo jumbo but is, in fact, rooted in history. Centuries ago, Greek and Roman philosophers developed the concept of self-acceptance. They saw that in order for a person to be fully self-accepting, it was vital to never rate yourself or other people. The psychologist Albert Ellis has termed this ‘unconditional self-acceptance’ and, in the following chapter, I will expand on this concept and show you how to put it to good practical use.   

 

When you refuse to rate yourself, you avoid feelings of anxiety, guilt and inferiority. By recognizing that everyone has shortcomings and that nobody is perfect, you’re in a better position to accept your weaknesses along with your strengths. It is healthy to rate your performance and if you can change something or improve it then so much the better. But if you cannot change it, then accept it and still do as well as you can.

 

If I was to offer you a £50 note, but before I gave it to you crumbled it up in my hand, would you still want it? Of course you would, because despite being crumbled, it would still hold its true value. However much you may feel crumbled by life, you will always hold your value. So when you fail at something, don’t put yourself down and make yourself miserable.

 

If there is one thing I would like to impress upon you beyond all doubt, it is that you never were, never are and never will be a worthless individual.

    

                         Major points

 

1. Never rate yourself; instead, rate things about yourself. This way you will avoid feelings of anxiety, guilt and shame.

 

 

2. Your worth as a person does not depend on other people’s opinions.

 

3. You can never be a failure; only a person who sometimes fails.

 

4. Never tie your self-worth up with success and achievement, because when things go wrong, your feelings of self-worth will plummet.

 

5. By accepting yourself unconditionally, your emotions will be healthy.

 

 

 

 

                  From head to gut

 

If you repeat these coping  Statements to yourself, either silently or out loud, you will move from an intellectual understanding of the ideas in the chapter to a belief in them.

 

                Coping statements

 

 

I never have to put myself down—ever!

 

I do not have to agree with other people’s opinions of me.

 

I never rate myself; only things about myself.

 

If I make mistakes, it is not because I am bad or sad but because I am a fallible human being.

 Copyright: Michael Cohen All rights Reserved.